Applegate Returns.

I'm talking Fiona Apple, not Apple computers, and Fiona's album Extraordinary Machine finally being released.

The press release coming out of Fiona and SONY's camp says that it wasn't SONY Execs did not waylay the record, that Ms. Apple herself is the reason for the delay, saying that Fiona just wasn't happy with the original release ... right. I'm pretty sure that anyone with half of George W. Bush's pudding cup of a brain would have much rather released a record produced by Jon Brion than whomever the record label would choose.

The Jon Brion produced leak of EM could have been record of the year. but the new version is produced by ... wait for it ... drum roll ...

Mike Elizondo. If you don't know who Elizondo is ... be glad. The biggest claim to fame he has at this point is being a co-producer on three tracks of Encore, the worst album Eminem might ever release. Those tracks ("Never Enough", "Just Lose It" and "Ass like that.") were all equally shitty pockmarks on the eardrums of the populus.

My initial reaction to hearing Elizondo's reworking of "Oh Sailor," (available via links here, along with all the news from Fiona on her own website) which is supposedly the only track from the original leak of EM was ... JESUS CHRIST THIS SUCKS ASS IN COMPARISON.

Just get the original leak from a friend while we all wait for the new EM to be leaked, and the masses of critics and hipsters hate it by instict for the sake of the hip cred.*


*Was that a cop-out you just saw? Might be. Just me protecting my ass in case the rest of the album is somehow better than the already released song. This is Fiona Apple we're talking about. Anything can happen.

If You Don't Know Who This Man Is ...

If you havn't recognized him, you need to click here, and buy this album now.

I went to get groceries at the Eckerds diagonally across the street just now and one of the items I picked up was the new issue of Rolling Stone magazine. I try not to pay for it myself (usually some relative has given me a subscription, but that's not the case anymore) but since it had the above man on the cover, I was surprised and bit on the line and put the magazine in my basket.

I hate to play the "Old Man" card here, and as much as it's not factually true as you will see, I will sound like an curmudgeonous asshole. First though, here's the magazine I bought:



The first thing that the girl who rang me up at the counter said to me was "he looks kinda like Michael Jackson."

Shocked, I said "You mean old Michael Jackson, right? The 'Before' Michael, not the 'After' Michael?"

She smiles and says "Yeah."

Her manager laughs.

Then the clerk drops the bombshell.

"Who is he?"

She didn't know who Jimi Hendrix is. This is going to happen more and more the older I get, but the funnier thing is, she was older than I am, easily by two years.

I tried to explain to her that he's Jimi Hendrix. That he's a guitar god. She doesn't remember anything. I leave, shaking my head.

Give me some time to digest the news.

The Apple Store, problematic.

Apple Store "geniuses" hard at work explaining to a customer that the silhouette people from iPod commercials don't come with the iPod

The SoHo Apple Store, only 4 blocks from my apartment, is becoming for me what Starbucks is for coffee junkies.

I've gone there easily twice a week for the past month, and my trips have not been leisurely expenditures of time. I have emerged from my times there with a joke though:

How do you distract every single person in the apple store without a single computer?

Have one of those scary plastic-surgeried-looking women from HBO's The Bunny Ranch walking around in next to nothing. It will take you 23 minutes to have a product returned to you.

Jumpy-eyed Genius Bar "geniuses" aside, my trip to the Apple store have been hit-or-miss with a 50% success rate. The reason behind this exact rate is attributed to the fact that I'm willing to wake up at six o'clock in the morning.

The SoHo Apple Store, like many others, is now willing to open their doors at six a.m. for the use of only their genius bar. I've had to do this three times so far, and surprisingly, it's worth it. One of the main problems in my eye that the Apple Store Genius Bar has, is the tense air of frustration that floats above the people waiting for service. People wait for the geniuses for too long, and that frustration makes everybody that much more grumpy. But at six in the morning, as long as that IV of caffeeine is plugged in my mouth, I'm not frustrated at all: no wait times, the geniuses are happier (to quote one of them, it's because now, there are more of us than there are of you.) and this means my problem will be dealt with fast and I'll emerge not long thereafter, satisfied.

The rest of the day though, after 9:30 am when the rest of the store opens, everybody who thinks there is a single problem with their iPod or other iProduct storms the genius bar, or makes an appointment online for a genius. Not long thereafter, the Genius Bar will get behind schedule. By 5pm, when most people get off work and show up, the genius bar is abour an hour behind schedule. Nobody wants to hear that the effort they took to make an appointment is now for not, and that they're gonna have to call home and tell their roommates or family to push dinner back by a whole hour.

My suggestions:
- More "geniuses"
- Make less appointments
- Free water*

* I didn't mention this, but I think it would just be a sign of good intention.

Zombie Movies Will Save Us All

Or at least make these miserably slow summer days pass with a few more gasps, chuckles, and "GOD DAMN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY JUST DID THAT" moments.

I saw Land of the Dead, the new film from the Zombie Movie Alpha & Omega himself, George A. Romero. I saw it for the second time, this time with my friend Eric Dawson. Usually, I let people in on the fact that it's my Xth time seeing a movie, but with this feature, I thought it might be wise for me to act aloof. Every time I knew something splendidly violent was gonna happen, which happens a lot, I did not act like I expected it.

Everyone in the movie does their role and does their function justice. The lead, a no-name whose name I don't want to even bother IMDB with, is badass, righteous and funny. The sidekick was a good mix of being mentally weak yet perfectly loyal and quick with a gun. Asia Argento played the femme fatale and was very hot and very dangerous and even a bit of this gentle human perfection feeling I couldn't get enough of. Dennis Hopper ... what more do I have to say, except that the man is a god on the Earth's soil. Finally: John Leguizamo, cheers my friend, you done well. Oh, and I did bother IMDB with looking up the name of the actor who played the big-tough-macho-man, the samoan known as Pillsbury, Pedro Miguel Arce - this is one funny motherfucker.

The Zombies --- oh lord, Romero has one sick mind. For instance, the Fip-Top Zombie in the garage might have the best 1-2 punch moment in the whole movie. Big Daddy aka The Lead Zombie is the first attempt I've seen at a full zombie character where we never even see the person when they were amongst the living. He wants just what anybody else in the underbelly of the film's society wants: to be on the top and to not be pestered anymore by anyone else. He's just looking for peace, and when you fuck with him, he learns how to use another new weapon, so it's in your interest not to fuck with Big Daddy.

If you're into the horror scene, this movie is such a must see, I'd bet you've already seen it. And if you have the stomach for violent blood bath films, I'd definitely recommend it.

Sean P, in need of a little Guidance.

On the cover of Monkey Barz, we see an illustration of Sean Price, aka Ruck of Heltah Skeltah, in a swarm of gorillas. one yells "Sean," and another bellows "Price!". When the cover alone inspires the first "What the hell?" of a listening, you know something's wrong. This album, is apeshit.

When Sean Price says that his newest release is called Monkey Barz during the intro track "Peep My Words," I was looking for some kind of explanation for the title. Why he would be referring to the jungle gym structure that we hung from as kids. The lack of explanation is a common theme on the album, no reason why he leaves the rest of his last name off when he bellows that he's "SEAN PEEEE." I guess he forgot what he was doing and started thinking about the urinal. But then again nobody explains shit, like what the G in G-Unit stands for.

And I bet he can't explain to me what an Onion Head is, and as fun as the 3rd track on the record seems, it's completely without anything close to a theme, except for the "I'm the best so fuck you," style that Price does slightly better than most.

And why the hell is a song from GTA 3, which came out 5 years ago, the bonus track on the album? The back of the cd jewel case doesn't even specify which GTA the song was the theme for, it took the repetition of Agilah's name for me to remember that was the song from liberty city. This shit is getting about as old as erectile disfunction pills commercials.

As I said, Price does the "I'm the shit" game better than a lot of the cats around right now, but there's nothing else remarkable or compelling about the record. If you're gonna rap with a hard, boastful, over-the-top nature and be ambiguous about your theme or message, do it over the top and release a Purple Haze, don't take yourself so rucking seriously. There's almost nothing compelling about this album or Price himself. He's got skills, granted, but a lot of others do to and give you actual reason to listen. Songs with focuses for example.

The only song on Monkey Barz with a real focus is "I Love You (Bitch)", you probably don't need me to explain said focus as that's a focus that got worn out a long time ago.

Breaking News, the IFC SNAFU

I think I'm gonna call this, the I.F.C. S.N.A.F.U.. This is a story still developing ...

IFC just opened their first theater, renovating the old Waverly theater in New York City. It's on 6th avenue and 3rd street, and it looked perfect on paper. No commercials, short films, and an advisory board that includes names like Linklater, Cuaron, and Smith (Kevin Smith, that is). I saw Me And You And Everyone We Know there on it's opening night, which was awesome (review pending) not only for the movie, but for the Q&A with director/writer/star Miranda July and the fact that I got her autograph later on that night. There was only one difference from the way it looked on paper and how it actually went down.

There was a giant inflated rat outside of the theater. For New Yorkers, this scary fucking rat is nothing, we see it all the time. It's a sign that some Union Workers are pissed off. In the case of the IFC Center, the screen projectionists union is heavily pissed off that the IFC has decided not to hire unionized projectionists. The unionized projectionists picketed the theater for the opening weekend, which is still going on. I was okay with this actually, I just thought, "hey, the IFC is a private company and can hire whomever they want."

I was so pleased with the presentation of Me And You, that I decided to go back again for a second night, and I saw Don't Look Back, the influential Bob Dylan documentary. The General Manager greeted the audience before the movie and was very nice, told us how this was a brand new 35mm print and all yadda yadda yadda, and the audience was excited.

The lights went down, the movie started.

But then soon after the movie started, it kept stopping. The image would disappear and the house lights would come on.

Every time the movie restarted, it was always a couple moments later, completely disrupting the flow of the movie.

And then the sound got really shitty. Some humming noise.

It took 4 times for them to get it right, and then the General Manager came in and told us that we could opt to leave and get a refund and a free pass to another screening of the movie. So I took the option, I left, and I did not look back.

Maybe this was a freak accident, but the IFC seriously needs to do something. I couldn't get any facts from the management about what exactly happened, but I'm going to try and talk to the manager tomorrow and bring you guys an update.

Batman Begins, this time, it's done right

I've just come home from Batman Begins, and I've got some good news and some bad news, and that is the kind of verdict you should be expecting. This is a good movie, and a very good superhero movie. The difference you might wonder, aside from the tights, is a set of expectations critics always lower for movies of the superhero/action variety. And seeing the downward spiral this movie franchise has been enduring, it's easy to walk into the theater and hope that it's at least better than Batman & Robin.

As with most super-hero flicks, Batman Begins fails mostly within it's script. You can see that the actors are trying their hardest, but with a screenplay that is a series of maxims and proverbs, there are moments when even the talents of Michael Caine and Liam Neeson seem as hollow as the cheapest chocolate easter bunny. This is not to say that the grocery list of proverbs that writers Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer always fail. Often times they can work and are moving, but when they are not, the dialogue tends to erode the film around it.

Batman Begins works for the most part to tell the story of Bruce Wayne, from his first contact with bats to the time when he is completely one with his cape and cowl. Christian Bale does the job perfectly, capturing every aspect of Wayne. From his arrogance, to his frustration, to his dedication, to his charm, Bale does Wayne better than any man to don the outfit before him.

A few cast members that may get lost in the shuffle (due to small roles that were done exceptionally well) that need noting are Linus Roache and Richard Brake. As Dr. Thomas Wayne (Bruce's father) and Joe Chill (the man that killed both of Bruce's parents one fateful night), these two gave us characters that not only were able to relax and breathe (unlike many others), but actually felt realistic. Also, I need to say that I was surprised how good Katie Holmes was. I had no faith in her going into this, and her character, Rachel Dawes, turned out to be a favorite.

The special effects are also wonderful, mostly when capturing the effects of the fear-hallucinogen that Dr. Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow (played by Cillian Murphy) uses as a weapon. We see an exaggerated image of what the victim fears the most, and the special effects crew works in some excellent video effects to hammer home the fear.

This is definitely a movie to see, but not the filmic advancement in the Comic Book Movie genre that some critics are claiming. And if I can be so bold, I have to declare this the best of the Bat-Flicks so far. Respect and credit must also be given to Frank Miller, as uncredited as he was in the end credits, the film takes a lot of inspiration from Miller's Batman storyline Batman: Year One. Gary Oldman's James Gordon, and many other aspects of the movie are taken right out of those pages. Nice coat, Nolan, nice coat.